Yes, of course you already know this…but I wanted to write about a particular habit I have when Fred’s not with me…which is often these days..
It started as soon as he was born..when he was about 2 months old I got a hair cut..I sat down..the hairdresser asked how I was and what could she do for me..I responded “well, I have a two month old…”.
I needed her to know…I’m a MUM. That’s something I needed to declare because I didn’t have a pram to push or a baby attached to my boob or in a sling.
And this is how it’s been up until today. When he’s not with me I feel weird. I feel like a bit is missing and I need to let everyone know that I’m meant to have a Fred with me. It’s not that I’m missing him or anything like that (obvs I miss him but I don’t spend every minute away from him whittling figures out of pine…PINING)..I just feel a bit naked.
The other day I left Dan and Fred in Sainsbury’s and nipped off to buy some last minute Valentine’s wrapping paper..on the way back to the car there was a lady with a baby..I smiled at her and she smiled back and I wanted to say “NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND I’M A MUM TOO..I HAVE A SON!”
The other day at work at an event we had to break into groups and discuss what the challenges are in our life at the moment ..when it was my turn I said “I HAVE A SON!”. And I don’t know if this is real or in my head but I felt as though people saw me through new eyes..not for better or worse but just differently.
A different day at work I was rushing off and someone stopped me to ask me a question..I chatted for a few mins and then blurted “I HAVE TO GO I HAVE TO PICK UP MY SON”.
Just a few incidents where I’ve unnecessarily crow barred it in.
I don’t feel defined by being a mum but it’s part of who I am now and I feel so odd and slightly bare when Fred’s not there. (I’m a poet and I don’t know it) So I bring it up when there’s no need and I feel compelled to shout at strangers.
Look..I don’t show ANYONE at work photos and videos of him. Or give complicated tales of his sleep patterns. Give me this one.
Ps I chucked a Friends quote in this post can you find it?