I thought I’d write a little post about my current mental state…
I’m 35 weeks pregnant now…I feel like I’ve been pregnant for years. When I was about 9 weeks, my mum and I went shopping..I couldn’t go for long but it was a fun day. I absolutely can’t believe I was pregnant with THIS baby, it feels so long ago. And the clothes I bought have already started falling apart.
When I found out I was pregnant, people told me it would fly by but it has DRAGGED. Not the same way it did the first time..not the constant worry and clock watching. It’s just slow.
This pregnancy is hard. I can recall one week when I felt good. When I got the “bloom”. But mainly it’s been a parade of back pain, pelvic girdle pain, headaches, dizziness, breathlessness, heartburn, sleeplessness, feeling weak and low on energy, nausea. It’s all never ending. If it’s not one thing it’s another. It’s become so bad I can barely walk. Yesterday Fred and I walked to the tesco at the end of the road and it took me 20 minutes instead of 5. And it hurt. But I HAD to have a chockie bickie you see. Needs must.
Anyway all of that makes me feel low. I worry I’m not being a good enough mum; that I’m not giving Fred what he needs. I can’t really cook him meals cos standing hurts. I can’t take him to the park or fun places. On my days off with him I get scared and worried; how will we get through it? I collapse into crying jags and can’t get myself out.
Then I’ll feel fine after!
Yesterday Dan had to go in a bit late cos I just needed to cry. Then I was fine and Fred and I had a lovely day; I gave in to my limitations and fed him fun snacks, let him watch Thomas and Friends all morning and took him to stay and play in the afternoon (drove there) so I could sit on a chair while he went nuts and worked off some energy.
It was a good day in the end; nothing to worry about. And this is temporary..soon we’ll have a little girl and she’ll sleep ALL THE TIME and I’ll be able to WALK! I can take them out wherever we want to go it’ll be IDYLLIC. (Come on, let me have this fantasy).
There were lots of mums at stay and play yesterday with babies in slings, watching their toddlers go nuts. It was encouraging.
I do get a bit scared obviously and who knows what it’ll really be like. I feel very alone a lot of the time even though I’m not alone at all. But I get all caught up in my head and feel like no one understands.
I guess I’m writing this partly as catharsis, partly as a reminder to myself; when it feels hopeless and I feel alone..look what I wrote! When I’m feeling good and I have perspective..it’s not true! It’s hormones and fatigue talking. Ignore it! Move on!
I’m also writing it so Dan might buy me more presents hehe.
And now a photo of Fred eating a ham sandwich while staring at the telly.